NEW YEAR

New Year, new outlook in life. As a sign of trying out a new stuff, I’m going to write my very first new year’s resolution. 

1.

Feel pretty. And look pretty too. I need to boost my confidence first because no matter what I do I won’t look pretty and feel pretty if I don’t believe in myself. So starting today expect a glowing me. No matter how stressful the day is, I will always make sure that by the end of the day I will emerge as a winner. A little bit high? Jajaja! Aim high always. Losing is not an option this year.

Focus my mind to things that matter and for now that would mean my FEASIBILITY STUDY. I will finish this baby this month. This may not be more of like a goal than a resolution but hey, this will be a start. If I can do this then I will be unstoppable! Jajaja! I can even go beyond godlike. Jajaja! Just kidding.

Never back down. If I want something, I should never ever let other people talk me into changing my choice. I will start with my hair. Most of the people I asked don’t want me to cut my hair. I am scared but it’s just hair, it can grow back. I have to be firm on my choices.

Forgive myself from my mistakes in the past. What is done is done. There is no use crying over spilt milk especially if the milk has melamine in it. LoL. (I’m trying to be funny.. so laugh..please..)

Free myself from guilt. I have always been held down by guilt that’s why I can never be truly happy. But of course I have to do number 5 first before I could free myself.

Learn calculus again. I really need to do this. This may seem off but calculus is very essential in my life.

Don’t fall in love this year. I don’t want to elaborate on this but I just feel that I might accidentally fall for someone this year. I am not yet ready for that and so is the guy whom I think I will be falling in love with. Jajaja! This year I will be truly enjoying my single status.

Stay in the reality. I know dreaming feels good but sometimes good dreams turn into nightmares at some point and when that happens then that will be the time that you’ll realize reality is so much better than a momentary dream.

I am not hopeful. I am not optimistic. I am just sure that I can do this. 2009 is a great time to change a lot of things and start building my self esteem. I can do this.

Award winning lines this semester

<<1st scene>>

him and her were sharing an umbrella one rainy night.

him: so.. when are we getting married?

her: 0_o

<<2nd scene>>

her was eating palabok and him was telling her what he did the day before

him: *chit-chat-wateverloo* … we played

her: why do you waste your money on games?

him: i’m not wasting my money. i’m paying the internet cafe to waste my time..

her: i have a suggestion.. why not pay me, then i’ll waste your time?

him: hahaha! that’s impossible

her: why?

him: you can never waste my time.. being with you is not a waste of time.

her: ummm… 0_o ok.. (dang! there goes my money)

Wherla mode

wherla mode na ako starting today. tomorrow na ang JPIChE open. nafefeel ko na rin ang pressure ng graduating student. i’m panicing!! ang bilis2 ng oras. no time to sleep, no time to go to the movies with friends, no time to stop and stare!!!!!!!! damn it. ang dami-daming problema. tama nah!!!!!!! ayoko na!!!!!!! xet na life..

I will miss CDO

June 7, 2008                                                                                                          9:50pm

            Cagayan de Oro itself is unbearable for Rhemal and me but because of the new friends we met, the summer experience at Cagayan has been so wonderful.

            As the bus was about to leave I tried so hard to fight the tears that were about to flow from my eyes. It was heartbreaking and I can only send them an SMS, a goodbye message. During my travel from Cagayan to

Davao

, I was torn between staying with my new friends and coming back home. It is true that I have left my heart at Cagayan, not only because of the guy who caught my attention but also because of these new friends that I shared the summer experience with. We shared a part of ourselves with each other and I will treasure it. Like a meteor coming down from the sky, team OJT 2008 has a great impact on my life and has left a mark that will forever be etched in my memory. I am very thankful that I took the opportunity offered by Nestle, because I was able to meet these great people.

            I have just arrived home and started to upload the pictures of our last night out and I’m missing these people terribly. One month at nestle is more than enough to create a bond so strong that distance cannot break. The Friday night outs, the overnight stay at Jonas’ crib, and PBB house Nestle edition are the few things I will surely miss.

para sa lahat ng dumaan

I thought I loved him,
but he had to break my heart for me
to know what true love really is.

A failing love is like desperately
hanging on to something precious;
not wanting to give up,
but your hands feel the pain.
And, when you finally let go,
you’re free from any pain,
but your hands are empty.

We cannot beg someone to stay
if they want to leave
and be with someone else.
We have to admit that love
doesn’t give us the license to own a person.
This is what love means…sacrifice.

Deep in my heart, I’m suffering,
knowing that I’ve lost you.
On the outside, I’m living,
pretending that I’ve forgotten you

I just want one day to go by
where I’m not pretending I’m happy!

Once upon a time I was falling in love,
but now I’m only falling apart.

I could fill a thousand pages
telling you how I felt
and still you would not understand.
So now I leave without a sound,
except that of my heart shattering
as it hits the ground.

I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh,
but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry.

Every morning I wish it were night again,
for it is only at night and in the depth of my dreams that I can feel you,
and you still belong to me.

If you never get your heart broken,
you’ll never learn to love.

She’s got him falling head over heals for her
and I can’t even get him to stumble..

Love is hard to get,
but harder to let go.

Love is short,
but forgetting is long.

You’ll never understand why I hurt so much
because you’re not the one who is crying,
you’re not the one who is left behind,
you’re not the one who loved too much,
and you’re not the one who is holding on to someone who is gone…

You don’t have to let it slip away but you want to,
I don’t want to let it slip away but I have to.

Loving someone doesn’t mean
you have to be with that someone,
because sometimes Fate plays a fool on us
and we are not meant to be together.
But still, there is love between us.

The hardest thing to do is watch someone
you love, love someone else.

Mind Bugging

     They say that there is no fear in love; perfect love drives out all fears. So then, love has not been made perfect in anyone who is afraid. I am afraid therefore love is not fit for me. I am not ready and I think, for now, I can do away with it.

     Here I am again blabbering about this topic which I do not really know a lot. Love like reality is so profound. The more you try to know about it, the more there is to discover. I think all love stories are the same; they all end up with a happily-ever-after theme. But how come I didn’t end up with that theme the last time I gave my all to someone out of love? Very mind bugging indeed and I think it is easier to solve a rubrics cube than try to figure out this stuff.

Me: are you not over this stuff yet?

Other me: I can not just forget it. It’s difficult to explain but you and I are one and you know very well why I can’t just let go of it like a hot potato. I wish I could do just that so as to make my life easier but that is just not how we do it.

Me: get over it already!

Other me: I will! Soon. Just wait.

Me: don’t you think that we’ve waited long enough

Other me: oh I know we’ll be alright. Besides we have nothing else to do. Waiting a little bit more and letting it all be will not hurt us.

Me: won’t hurt us?! Are you insensitive? You know what, if you and I aren’t one, I’ll strangle you to death for your stupidity.

Other me: whatever!

     Oh well, another day inside my mind. Jejeje! Good night people. I just need to write all these so I could sleep tonight.

my appeal…

please… tapusin nyo na ang paghihirap ko…

Another night

Another night… Another lonely night… I want to empty myself of this something that I do not know. I want to talk to a particular someone right now but I don’t think that someone would want to listen to what I want to say. I want to just sit beside that someone and feel the comfort I could only find when that someone is near. I miss the arms that would never squander an opportunity to hug me. I miss the scent that this someone’s clothes emit. I miss the person. I miss the things that we used to do. I miss everything but I do not want to take back the things that I have said. T_T

Another night… another horrible night

Being my first doesn’t mean you are the best.

Last night wasn’t a good night. I was forcing myself to sleep. How many times do I have to feel the anguish before I stop this nonsense? This is insanity. Creating a cave is not good. Living in a lie is definitely not good. How many sleepless nights do I have to get through before I can truly say it is enough? I am on my own and I don’t know if I could do it all alone. I need someone…anyone… if only serenity could talk.

Last night I was shivering not from the cold but from the loneliness inside. Serenity tried to comfort me but it was not enough. Serenity said HE is not worth it. I am better off with someone else. But I ask him who this someone else is? Can you find him for me? I am sick of being alone. Serenity I promise you if I find that man I will make sure he will never leave me just like the others. I believe myself to be a strong lady…. But in my heart of hearts I know I am not that kind of woman. Loneliness is sinking in where happiness should be. Fear instead of trust is inside. Serenity is looking at me as I am typing this blog. I haven’t cried for some time now and he is worried.

allegory of the cave

I don’t want to go back into the cave. I have been dragged out, I have seen the shadows, I have seen the reflections, and I have seen the things themselves but I still haven’t found the courage to look at the sun. Somebody save me.  It is difficult not to succumb to the comforts of the cave. I know deep inside that I can overcome this but I need someone to back me up incase I falter. I have my friends but it is different when someone is really there for you every step of the way. I don’t know what to do. I need just one more reason to choose the outside world over the cave. I am almost there… somebody save me…